February 4

February 4
Here is your Henry lineup for tonight:

Henry 1 – OMP
Henry 2 – moi
Henry 3 – X-Ray (Moo)

Last night was a complete clusterfuck. It seems we were going to the same rooms over and over. Not only that, X-Ray was in a great mood and I was tired ‘cause I was working a double and he took advantage of this by making a complete pest of himself. 

It started when we saw a guy dressed like a cow. Or, rather, he was wearing cow clothing. It could’ve been pajamas, but from a distance, it looked more like the texture of regular clothing. Initially, I thought it was sort of dalmationesque, but no, X-Ray insisted it was a cow. We ended up walking past them and, upon further review, it was plain X-Ray was right. 

We saw it when we were at a noise complaint. It was an entire Mexican family in a room trying to comfort a senorita who evidently was having a disagreement with her novio, and, the whole familia was there supervising and bombarding her with attention, which Mexican families are very good at. This room we had to visit twice, and as we are leaving the first time we see the guy in cow gear down the hall. 

For some reason, this really had X-Ray in stitches. He found it about 25 times funnier than it really was and he kept referring to it all night. He would make mooing sounds and talk about how he would like to own cow clothing and even put a plastic cow on his lawn and I feigned annoyance and told him to shut the fuck up. 

“Ah, you must be tired,” he said. “You’re getting cranky.”

“Shut up, thumbdick!”

The classic X-Ray pause. 


I did have to lay the hammer down tonight. I was sent to assist OMP in breaking up a party in one of the suites on 27. OMP had been there earlier and why he didn’t break this fiasco up then is beyond me. I was near an elevator when I got the call and I was there first and there are people outside the suite and the door to the suite is propped open and the party is way too big to let go with a warning. It’s got to be shut down. 

So I knock and walk into the suite. Everyone is in their mid-20’s and I ask if any of them happen to be the registered guest. No one fesses up. 

“None of you are the registered guest?” I ask rhetorically. “Well, party’s over then. All of you have to go.”

This does not go over well at all. While some do leave, others somehow decide I’m just a jack-off security guard and decide they are going to stay put. Soon 77Dwayne and 88Dick show up, X-Ray breaks off from 482, and, eventually, OMP wanders in. Some kid in a three-day beard wonders why he has to leave. His tone is confrontational. 

“Because I’m telling you to, sir.”

“You’re just a fucking security guard,” he said dismissively. 

“Officer,” I said, holding up a finger. “We’re security officers.”

He didn’t think that was funny, though I could see OMP smile. 

“We paid for this room.”

“And we appreciate your business, but you’ll have to take that up with the registered guest. 

“He’s not here,” he said, as if that settled everything, and, whether we called ourselves security officers or security guards, we had better be on our way. 

“Your bad luck. It’s time to go.”

“I wanna see a manager!”

“You’re not going to. It’s not a hotel matter, it’s a security matter. I say you gotta go, you gotta go.”

“What if we don’t leave?”

“Well,” I said, considering the matter. “Eventually, sir, you’ll be arrested for trespassing.”

I really wanted to hook this ass munch up. He was snotty and I ended up reading the trespass warning to those left in the room and eventually, the guy’s girlfriend, also a snot, called the hotel manager who basically told her if Gaylon says you gotta go you gotta go. 

X-Ray and I also made two trips to a room where a cute four-year-old girl was crying her brains out. She was here with her dad who had hired a local babysitter while Daddy hit the town with some floozie who was stacked from here to Reno. Good God, she was hot. The girl wanted her daddy but daddy was out trying to score and the babysitter had no clue what to do and eventually, the girl fell asleep, comforted, no doubt, by X-Ray’s mooing sounds. 

On our last welfare check, I knocked a couple of times and got no answer, so I opened the door and X-Ray is right behind me.

“Hotel security,” I said as we entered, which is pretty much standard procedure, so if the guests are in the room they don’t think they’re about to get their throats slashed. 

“Henry units!” X-Ray said, which made me laugh. 

“Henry units?” I asked, turning my head back. “What? Are the Henry unit’s some sort of internationally known crime-fighting force?”

Again, the classic X-Ray pause.


Here is your Henry lineup for tonight:

Henry 1 – OMP
Henry 2 – moi
Henry 3 – Fred

February 1 & 2
February 5 & 9
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