It should probably be noted that Bi-Bob has had the hots for me since I first walked through the door. He is in the habit of leering at me and making suggestive comments and while I am not attracted to men and would prefer not to be gay sexually harassed at work, it’s actually pretty funny because he never does it when we’re alone – not that were alone all that much – saving it for when the guys are around.
Tonight at 482 another phrase was added to the list of everyday, routine phrases Bi-Bob can turn into a gay sex metaphor. Bi-Bob, Schempp and I were sitting together and Bi-Bob announces he is going to get a cup of coffee. I had a mostly empty coffee cup in front of me and told Bi-Bob that as long as he was getting up he might as well make himself useful and get me a cup, too. I told him to ‘fill me up’.
Bad move. Bi-Bob schrunchled his nose and got his famous cake-eating grin, which is actually not completely unadorable, though I emphasize, again, I am not attracted to men. It took me a second before I realized my error.
“Uh, on second thought, Bob, you don’t have to fill me up,” I said, showing a palm. “I’m good.”
Bi-Bob and Schempp laughed.
“No,” Bob said. “I’ll get you some coffee, Gaylon.”
“OK, but don’t take my cup out of my sight. Don’t take it into the can or anything like that.”
“Fortunately, there’s a clear view of the coffee machine from here,” Schempp noted.
The list of things it is better off not saying to Bi-Bob is pretty long, a phrase which itself is on the list. Phrases like ‘slip of the tongue’, ‘don’t take it out on me’ and anything containing the word ‘hard’ are all best avoided, as is ‘Please deposit a load of hot male ejaculate up my ass’.
77Dwayne made his first appearance tonight. He didn’t strike me as the lame introductory speech type, but he made one, to include advising us not to get caught, which is as rousing lines go isn’t right up there with win one for the Gipper.
Later, I’m at the podium when I get a call from a guest who lost his wallet playing slots near the main entrance. As sometimes happens, he was pissed at me because he left his wallet at a slot bank. This attitude has always made me wonder; you lose your wallet and I am going to do everything I can to get it back for you, but I’m the one you’re mad at. That makes sense.
He got pretty worked up, too, and eventually I had to lay the hammer down and tell him not to get cross with me. Eventually, he gave an accurate description of where he left it so I dispatched Bi-Bob to look for it but it wasn’t there anymore, hardly the Upset of the Year. I took the guy’s number and told him we would look for it.
A few minutes later Russ is preparing to relieve me and the guy shows up at the podium. He’s a short Canadian with long hair and he wants to know right now exactly what MCSD is doing to find his wallet. He is even demanding to review video coverage of the incident so he can get to the bottom of this whole mess.
I started to explain that video coverage wouldn’t tell us much.
“Sir, if a guest took it…”
I was interrupted right there. The guy is insisting that any video coverage would solve everything. It would either prove one of the many thieves that masquerade as Monte Carlo employees took it, or give us a head start in apprehending the evil arch-criminal who took it.
I told him I personally guaranteed that if an employee took it, it would’ve been returned; if a guest lifted it, well, it was long gone.
“It’s unlikely a thief would stick around waiting to be caught,” I explained, sounding like a master crimefighter teaching a course. The guy eventually sees my point, verifies we still have his number and leaves.
Literally ten seconds later an employee turns in the wallet, having found it on the opposite side of the casino, where the thief had left it after having rid it of its money. Bi-Bob chases the guy down and while he’s pissed he lost his cash, he is glad his credit cards and ID are still there.