July 20

July 20
Outside officers are now carrying an extra 10 round clip, in addition to the ten-round magazine we carry in our weapon.

I’ll carry an entire armory if they want me to, but it’s my own personal theory that if ten bullets didn’t do the job, ten more aren’t going to make a whole hell of a lot of difference. For his part, Redneck Randy said if he needs more than two rounds something’s wrong.  

The big news last night was the rumor of the big gay porn movie Code Four Carlin and White Sox Metzger will be starring in. 

The movie will be cowboy-themed because last night they were working a welfare check and after getting no answer they sashayed in and found the guest in the room.

None of this was bad; they were acting in accordance with standard MCSD procedure and, in fact, had been given the wrong room number by dispatch. 

The guest was pretty PO’d though, about having been woken up and part of his complaint was – and I am not making this up – that the officers had acted like cowboys. 

This is not, of course, unusual. Henry units will often times assume a persona for a welfare check and for this one Code Four Carlin and White Sox Metzger had obviously chosen a cowboy theme. X-Ray and I assume (I refuse to use the past tense here) a Reid/Malloy persona and you’ll remember D-Dawg and I had our ‘procedures’. It’s great fun, as long as you’re entering an empty room. If not, you tend to look like a moron. 

So Rich and I are at the podium discussing this and Rich said he really doesn’t want to see Code Four Carlin in a hat, vest and chaps hell-bent for leather and I said the working title of the film could be Welfare Check: Up and In because up and in is what you report to dispatch when the guest is in the room. 

Rich added he had also discussed this with Russ (and you need to know Russ has Indian blood in him; Chief Running Elk Indian, not We Own Half the Motel Rooms in America Indian) and Rich said he mentioned the chaps and said Russ commented that yeah, chaps would be good, and they should also get Carlin to wear those leather things on his legs and Rich said those are chaps, idiot.

“Some kind of Indian he is,” Rich said, which may be his funniest line ever. 

Turns out Code Four Carlin doesn’t know what chaps are, either. We were all in wardrobe after work and Rich asked and Code Four Carlin admitted he didn’t know what chaps were. 

“I do know what ChapStick is, though.”

“I think that might be worse,” I said. 

What made this exchange almost funny was that Code Four Carlin had zero clue why we were talking about him and chaps in the first place. 

And it turned out that Lee was, in fact, the officer who turned Natalie Portman away for not having an ID. He also said the incident happened a couple of weeks ago, which was funny cause it was just in the paper. Lee says she noted she was Natalie Portman several times but Lee remained resolute. 

I am going to miss Lee. I know you are, too.

July 18 & 19
July 21 & 22
Table of Contents