March 4
Here was your Henry lineup for last night:
Henry 1 – OMP
Henry 2 – moi
Henry 3 – Special Ed
Set the following personal record last night:
Most Calls in a Shift: 32
I had eight calls the first hour. Hell, I wasn’t even out of the briefing room before they were looking for me. Rich and I were waiting for the line to clock in to wind down and I hadn’t turned my radio on yet.
– They’re already looking for you. This isn’t a good sign.
– Why don’t they give the call to OMP?
– He’s on one of his own right now.
– Fabulous.
One thing you learn working the hotel is to not pass judgment on other people’s sexual proclivities. For example, when sent to a room occupied by two sides of beef who want to report their Play-Doh and jar of pickles missing, you don’t bat an eye; you treat it as if they were reporting a missing cardigan. This lesson came in handy last night.
I was first sent to 4-207 during the first hour to let a Mr. Smith into the room. I get there and no one is waiting for me, so I knock on the door in case Mr. Smith managed to figure out how his key works on his own and the door is answered by a man in his late 40’s, trim, mostly bald with what hair he does have cut very short. I said I was sent there to let a Mr. Smith into the room; he identifies himself as Jones and says Smith is his roommate or something like that and that he’ll let him in when he gets there. I say sure, am slightly curious because there is only one bed in the room, but leave because there is, of course, another call for me. As I leave, the door to the room across the hall, 4-206 opens and there is a party populated by very hot women going on and Jones is there working all of them as I leave.
All Henry units were sent back to 4-207 an hour or so later for a domestic and Wally and Eric the Monster, both in the EDR on 482, are the first ones there. This turns out to be a standard-issue trick roll. Jones had gone out searching for a whore, a search that was neither particularly difficult nor unrewarded. They started arguing, evidently because Jones was not pleased with the services he received, services which he had paid for in advance.
He wanted to throw the book at her initially. He wanted her arrested and beaten and Homeland Security called as well, the whole nine yards. At least until we informed him this process entailed the giving of his name. Then he said fuck it, let her go.
4-207 was quiet until 0340 when I was sent there to let Jones into his room because he was too stupid to find his key, which, like an idiot, he had put in his wallet. I let him in and I’m obliged to stay while he contacts the front desk about replacing his still thought to be lost key, but I tell him not to bother, the key machine is down from 0300-0400 every morning, but after that, the front desk will be happy to take care of it.
He doesn’t like this at all and calls the front desk, and, after a few minutes of listening to him babble, I take the phone and Tony on the other end informs me the key machine is back up and to send him down.
He doesn’t like this either and I have to hem and haw with him for a few more minutes because he’s concerned the whore stole his key and doesn’t believe me when I say it’s not likely she did because 1) whores want your money and not your room key and 2) even if she did take your key, she’s probably too stupid to remember your hotel, much less your room number.
So he calls the front desk again but it isn’t the front desk, it’s James in PBX he’s talking to and he doesn’t like what James is saying either so I get on the phone and snap at who I think is a front desk clerk who I think is giving Jones the runaround when actually it’s my buddy James and I apologize to James and I finally get Jones out the door and headed to the front desk after a waste of 10 minutes.
The whole time I’m in the room I’m treated to the sights and sounds of the 24-hour Porn Channel!!! Jones had purchased this for the night and for his part was completely unapologetic, acting if nothing more than the news was on.
A little while later Special Ed and I are sent to the room across from Jones, the one where the babes are partying at. We deal with that, and, as we’re walking to the elevator, who do we see getting off the elevator? You got it, Jones, and he must be pretty horny because he’s got another whore in tow, and Ed and I joke about how we might as well stay here for the inevitable trick roll call when, a minute later, we see the whore running – not walking, running – to the elevator, the sight of the 24-hour Porn Channel – or maybe Jones naked – evidently being too much for her to take.
So at 0530 I’m on 10-10 in PBX. Officially, I am there to apologize in person to James, but the prospect of seeing princesses Silvia and Maria are good reasons to be there, too. I am telling the story of Jones when – and I am not making this up – Maria interrupts me.
– Gaylon, did you say room 4-207? Jones?
– Yeah.
– Cause he just called asking for security.
Five seconds later Junior is on the horn dispatching all Henry units and the 5th Marines back to 4-207.
Special Ed and a couple of casino units are the first ones there. PBX is not convenient to the elevator and by the time I get there the matter is under control and I end up going to the EDR and chatting with my Bulgarian princess, Mariana.
Special Ed later told me what happened. When he got there he saw clothes being thrown out of the room followed by a naked woman running out who, and I know this will surprise you, was a hooker. It was the same crap as earlier and we ended up throwing Jones out after this one for being a general nuisance.
We gave Special Ed crap after the shift. Ed is middle-aged and portly and we’re not sure how many naked women he’s seen lately.
Me: “Ed, did you sport wood on that call?”
Ed: “Boy, I could’ve!”
Me: “Too much work, though, huh?”
Rich: “You didn’t try to make those pleats in your pants disappear?”
Ed: “I tried! She was pretty hot!”
Those of you keeping score at home may be wondering who the hell the Smith was I was originally sent to let into 4-207. I still have no idea.
Here is your Henry lineup for tonight:
Henry 1 – OMP
Henry 2 – moi
Henry 3 – Fred
White Sox Metzger might switch with Fred though. He used to get a night in the hotel every week, but has missed out on it the past month or so and says he misses it.